Send As SMS



Credits

Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.




In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department






Changes may not fully take effect until you reload the page.




For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

Print Logo

9.30.2011

Product #9511-70a “Static State Stockings”

You’ve got big feet — admit it. And it’s hard to find the time to care for those feet right and proper, is it not? Are you constantly shuffling, trying to circulate blood through those podiatric pests? Do your footfalls get heavier over time, the stubby toes of your youth gorged to a pasty and callused husk as those sub-abdominal albatrosses fatten themselves?

“Just once,” I’m sure you say to yourself while on line at your local grocery store, “just once I’d like a cashier to tell me I have the feet of Baryshnikov.” Yet you’re willing to suffer your hooves because nobody has presented you with a viable option for long-term foot maintenance. Feet age and mutate. They adapt, growing like goldfish to meet their accommodations.

Wearing bigger shoes only exacerbates the situation. Larger socks blind the foot, but the resulting shrinkage in offset by sock costs. A certified doctor at the prestigious National Institute of Socketry recently released the results of a 2007 study confirming just that. Faced with such justified scientific pessimism, you might feel helpless. Yet, one must resist the urge to cover one’s ears and stare down angrily at one’s ever-enlarging feet. There is hope!

Our solution comes from a more controversial field of discovery. While researchers are still analyzing star charts and tiny light bulbs to determine how the universe started, a long-discredited theory underpins our newest product! “The universe is, always was, and ever shall be.” — this was the mantra that echoed the halls of higher thought until the better part of a century ago. Today we realize that this is obviously false, having asked God directly. However, the concept of persistence — of a universe unaffected by the passage of time — was so intriguing that one of our own staff managed to scrawl out a design of a product to achieve such an effect, shortly before the unfortunate soul was disemboweled by his future self.

Presenting the Static State Stockings: you put your feet in, and they cease to exist in our universe! “Cacklin’ cobras!” you’ll cry as these cotton coverings cup the corns of your chitinous clodhoppers, coupling creature comfort with cosmological conniving and careful, competent craftsmanship. What you’re feeling isn’t warm or cold; neither soft nor scratchy; there is no pinching, and no slack. You are on a plane beyond pedestrian clamminess, and your copilot is a lifetime warranty card.

Once the leg staples are permanently affixed, your lower extremities are forever shunted to a parallel reality where they, frozen in time, will no longer interfere with this season’s fashions. This will also increase blood flow to the face and hands, causing intense swelling and the growth of unicorn horns, which four of seven Minnesotan cattle masseuses agree is medically acceptable. You don’t have to take “no” for an answer — demand that your doctor stuff your stocking this year with a pair of Static State Stockings.

Static State Stockings contain 32% cotton, 4% nylon, 2.5% wool, and less than 1% copper. The remaining percentage is vacuum. WARNING: do not, under any circumstances, turn your Static State Stocking inside-out or throw them into the ocean. Roboshrub Incorporated is not responsible for Static State Stockings lost at public laundromats. Consult Steven Hawking before use.

Processing 6×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger Fluke Starbucker gesticulated...

Is there, like, an order form or something?

2/24/2012 7:34 AM  
Blogger CABE gesticulated...

My static state stockings caused static state lint when place in the dryer...now my lint catcher does not exist in this universe. What am I suppose to do about this?

2/27/2012 12:34 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier gesticulated...

What happens if you step in a puddle?

4/30/2012 9:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous gesticulated...

Are you still out there Gyrobo?
I miss our old blogging days.
How are you?
Please do keep in touch my Little Metal Guy.

Jaibhakti@AOL.com

:)
Bhakti
c/o jaibhakti

8/27/2012 12:22 AM  
Blogger Bhakti gesticulated...

I miss you, Gyrobocop.
You can follow me on Twitter
@Bhaktibrophy

And to follow my photo essay--

@Dashboardphotos

I truly do hope our paths cross again.

Kind Regards,
Bhakti Brophy

5/25/2013 5:10 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Totally will! I didn't realize how long it's been since I let my blogging lapse; you just get caught up with work and stuff and before you know it, years pass by like brittle golden leaves. Really got to get back in touch with everyone.

5/26/2013 12:56 PM