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Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.

In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department

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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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The CIA gets a bad rap in the public eye, and is often targeted as central to Illuminati conspiracy theories. It's time their name was cleared.

The CIA is not some omnipresent psychic secret police force that takes orders from an orbiting supercomputer. Not by a long shot. In fact, the CIA is just a secure governmental agency for civilian intelligence. They are largely statisticians, researchers, poll-trawlers and surveyors, only rarely resorting to espionage and only when the truth is being hidden. They are neither spectacular nor infallible; they are capable of both competent intelligence work and miserable hackery. The CIA is boring, bureaucratic, and always operates within legal parameters. It conceals facts from the public but never actively deceives them (at least, not like the military does). Like most government programs, much of their productivity is lost to red tape despite the fact that they are liberally gorged on national tax dollars.

And, like every other government program, their supercomputer is not in orbit but underground, where geothermal vents are harnessed to soften its nightmarish taxation of the global energy grid.

No, the likely source of these common misconceptions about the CIA come from its sister programs, the GAMA and the ACCWH, who are relatively unknown thanks to the fact that they are perfectly willing to actively deceive the public and insist that their funding be officially categorized as tax cuts for small business and senatorial pay raises.

The Global Affairs Meddlement Agency was instrumental in the establishment of the United Nations, NAFTA, OPEC and IHOP. During WWI the isolationist sentiment that the United States had long held were forever sacrificed and the nation was overwhelmed by a backlash policy that seemed to urge, "Go! Interact with the world! Do so with reckless abandon, metering purposelessness with disorganization!" It was at this point that GAMA was created, to best serve the interests of America, by keeping things interesting.

GAMA abducted Albert Einstein from NAZI Germany. GAMA used the Bay of Pigs invasion to give the Cubans their experimental immortality elixer (if you can guess in what way it was dangerously flawed, give yourself three points). Fidel Castro is still alive to this day. GAMA armed and funded terrorist splinter cells in Chile and New Guinea. GAMA convinced France that it was the best country ever. GAMA advised the Senate to raise and lower US tariffs in correspondence with the hemlines of skirts. GAMA paid Karl Marx to pretend communism was a great idea. Yet there were a great many things GAMA did not do.

The Administration for Controlling the Course of World History, on the other hand, didn't not do those things. Rumors of the CIA's fealty to Yale's Skull and Bones club most likely originate with the ACCWH's close partnership with that very same school. And, like Yale, the ACCWH has existed for far longer than the United States Government, or, indeed, the United States itself.

It is hard to say how the Iroquois Indians managed, with their rudimentary technologies, to engineer the circumstances that would lead to their own discovery. And yet the story is handed down to us, through woven bead pictogram belts. Not satisfied with the direction of the early Western world, they subtly invented the collapse of the Roman Empire. Naturally, this caused a dark age in its wake, where the sciences of the Greek world were lost for hundreds of years until the Arabic texts were allowed to leak back into medieval Europe. Armed with old knowledge but a barbaric new mindset, they were able to set sail and initiate the most horrifying series of genocidal conquests the world will ever see.

It is a topic hotly debated by political scholars as to how the Iroquois felt about damning their own culture along with those of hundreds of other American nations. Certainly they were aware that their people would be preserved through the conspiratorial institution that would forever control the fate of mankind and, indeed, the whole of Earth. But it must take a sort of cool acceptance to press the button that launches the Mayflower, then destroy all traces of your psionic weaponry in a volcano. That is why the Iroquois word "accwh" means "of superior spirituality."

As a nationally-funded program, the ACCWH has undergone several periods of reform. First, they have been sworn to serve only their new masters and act entirely on the whims of the vice president. There has been much discussion as to how Vice President Elect Biden will decide to control the course of world history. It is traditional to leave everything as the native progenitors originally intended it, but the precedent for taking a more active role certainly exists. Furthermore, in the late 80s they, too, became subjected to oversight by supercomputers, being among the last national programs to succumb to digital rulership (the absolute last was FEMA, which was only placed under computational supervision in 2000, and was gang-pressed into running WINDOWS ME). Yet despite all this, the ACCWH manages to maintain its proud heritage. Yes, much has changed for the ACCWH, but its mission statement has not. And it is still run by the same friendly Iroquois skeletons, self-fossilized in an incredible crystal lattice of impossible proportions.

Neither the CIA, GAMA or ACCWH ever planted fluoride into public drinking water. That was the National Dentist's Association, which is not a public institution at all but rather a nonprofit organization. Their headquarters is in Little Peak, Michigan. I was delighted to be invited to their Winter Ball, but had to respectfully decline in favor of attending the new Lindy-Hop themed water park in NYC.

Ironically, the CIA collects information on all three of these programs, all of which is available to the public. But CIA readouts are so obtuse and generally uninteresting that nobody bothers to read them.

All of this information came to me in a hypnopompic vision, and is therefore assuredly accurate. I therefore see no reason to cite my sources, however, I will give you several follow-up links to quiet my internal professor: