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Credits

Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.




In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department






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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

Print Logo

9.08.2006

Murder on the Oregon Trail

Families broken, marching in the cold,
Trying to get a handful of Oregon gold.
The wind blows knives through wagon canvas
And a broken wheel went and damned us.

Picture!

For lo, it was the middle o’ the night
And deep underwater, lay the settlers’ blight.
Trapped for centuries ’neath the flat plains brush,
Was a monstrous dinosaur, eating vegetation lush.

It had big sharp teeth and beady eyes,
Stomach full of babies and a swarm of flies;
Its toes were a terror, all bladed and keen,
A bonified scaly killin’ machine.

“Look out, pa!” yelled li’l Paul Onion.
“He’s got gnashing teeth, and a foot full o’ bunions!”
But Pa Onion lashed out a whip made of ham,
And with a mighty roar, he yelled “Sweet Uncle Sam!”

The dinosaur paused and readjusted his feet,
Swung his spiked tail and within half a beat
Pa Onion was down and his son was devoured;
Snow came down like nothing had mattered.

Picture!

While rampagin’ through the settlers’ remains,
The mighty dinosaur felt a pain in his brain.
See, a drifter that followed the train close behind
Was a dinosaur hunter, quite out of his mind.

Time nearly froze while they measured each other,
So the rest of the Onions ran quickly for cover.
“Our steel-plated wagon will surely provide,”
Ma Onion stated, “A haven to hide!”

If only they hadn’t sealed themselves in so tight...
If only they’d known not to run from the fight...
Because, as they ran, the dinosaur spied
A tasty pioneer treat with his segmented eye.

(Chorus)
Albert Einstein
Went Back in Time
The Paleolithic
Seemed Terrific
Until he found his new friend.

Picture!

For a very long time Ma Onion stood still,
The children in tow and her very soul chilled.
With two gaping jaws and a pocket of dread,
Great dinosaur lips honed in on her head.

I’ve got nary a moment! the drifter’s mind spoke,
If I can’t stop that dino, that lady’ll croak!
So thought he did quickly, up a plan that was dandy;
He’d trick it quite slickly, with Mexican candy!

“Who wants some Pashunions?” he yelled through the night.
The dino eclipsed the Onions, repose in mid-bite.
“Here’s a pocket of jum jums an’ a bottle o’ floo!”
The drifter broadly gestured, swinging vials of goo.

Picture!

Scratched his scaled chin, that dinosaur did.
A major decision- processed food, or the kid?
In the end, ’twas an offer he couldn’t refuse.
Because if he did, he’d end up on the news.

And if there’s one thing dinosaurs hate more than comets,
It’s nosy reporters getting bees in their bonnets.
With a fistful of candy and a roaring disdain,
Off sulked the dino, through torrents of rain.

Ubiquitously, word spread ’cross the prairie
Of the Onion’s exploits over some “reptile fairy.”
They were welcomed in Portland with wide open arms,
Then spent 80 years working fetid dirt farms.

“But what of the drifter?” you needlessly ask.
In Oregon City he proved up to the task
Of governorship over three different states:
Confusion, The Union, and liquid phosphates.

(Chorus)
Westward Expansion
Impacted My Mansion
Pointless Nostalgia
For Yesterday’s Honda
I’m just gonna hail a cab.
Picture!

Labels:


Processing 31×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger Stan gesticulated...

1st!

9/09/2006 3:35 AM  
Blogger R2K gesticulated...

What a tale! I feel like I have gone through a century of time in one post. And some dude got shot!

9/09/2006 10:14 AM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

Keyword: Accidentally.

My eye. Punkin' Pie.

9/09/2006 10:51 AM  
Blogger Bob Dole gesticulated...

Huh?

9/09/2006 10:52 AM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

Look, I can explain: Mistakes were made.

9/09/2006 12:57 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...


YOU KILLED ME!

9/09/2006 2:56 PM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

I thought my lawyers told you to stop saying that! The jury ruled the my admission was insignificant evidence.

9/09/2006 4:35 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

There was also the small matter of the judge being an inanimate carbon rod.

9/09/2006 5:39 PM  
Anonymous scritch, the prospector gesticulated...

... we're not REAL big on that Oregon trail stuff here in Ore-ei-gone.

There ain't no gold here!
Only guns!

Stay away, iffen you know what's good for ya!

9/09/2006 6:51 PM  
Blogger ticharu gesticulated...

Is that really Bob Dole commenting on your site??? You run in some pretty high circles boy!
Don't think I didn't notice, you posted something shorter, just for me! But did I read it??? Ha! Ha! No, but I looked at the pictures again! GREAT!
Is that really alex commenting on your site???

9/09/2006 10:51 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Bob Dole and Alex are two of our most prolific celebrities, followed by the Maytag Repair Man and destructobob.

9/09/2006 10:54 PM  
Anonymous Maytag Man gesticulated...

destructobob ruins another day!

9/10/2006 12:58 AM  
Blogger jin gesticulated...

EEEeee!!!
*jin squeals*

A Widget

:-D

I'll go back & read the story...had to play with the widget first!
COOL!

9/10/2006 3:03 AM  
Blogger Professor Xavier gesticulated...

I'm not quite sure what the pictures had to do with the narrative. Flash backs?

And what is a dirt farm, anyway? Do they really need to grow more of that stuff?

9/10/2006 7:55 AM  
Blogger Forty_Two gesticulated...

This looks more like something George Bush would read and formulate national policy from.

He should really listen to political radicals at either end of the spectrum so he knows where the middle is. I try to occupy both ends of the spectrum simultaneously in order to sew maximum confusion.

9/10/2006 11:14 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

@Jin: I new SOMEONE would see that new widget. It's Robo-tastic!

@Professor Xavier: The random pictures sharply contrast the seriousosity of the poetic schema, interpolating inverse-neurons. And dirt farms are very common. I'm surprised you've never been to one.

@Forty_Two: The maximum is always the minimum in some parallel universe, you know.

9/10/2006 11:30 AM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

Hey, I know all about dirt farms.
I grew up on one.

No matter what you plant, dirt comes up.

Nice dirt in Oregon...fragrant,loamy, Black gold they call it.

Hence the confusion. All those dumbasses came here for gold & got dirt! ha ha

9/10/2006 9:37 PM  
Blogger ticharu gesticulated...

Bob Dole came to my blog and said something which just proves how politicians are completely stuck on themselves! But I set him straight for sure, meanwhile... back in paradise...

9/10/2006 10:14 PM  
Blogger flatlander gesticulated...

I hear that those fetid dirt farms of yesteryear were quite deplorable. Nowadays, of course, they simple clone dirt in the Great Dirt Hives of Sacramento.

9/10/2006 10:40 PM  
Blogger Bunyan, Paul Bunyan gesticulated...

You have to be making this up?

9/10/2006 11:00 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Well... It's based on a true story.

9/11/2006 12:19 AM  
Blogger Bob Dole gesticulated...


THE Paul Bunyan?

9/11/2006 5:13 PM  
Blogger Fred gesticulated...

I need to look for my old comics. I don't remember them telling stories like this.

9/11/2006 6:39 PM  
Anonymous Rich gesticulated...

I'm learning so much about your country.

9/11/2006 7:07 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Learning to live in livery luxery is like living in limos with livid lemurs who lack livers.

9/11/2006 9:38 PM  
Blogger Lee Ann gesticulated...

scary!

9/11/2006 10:23 PM  
Anonymous Rich gesticulated...

There are microphones in my walls. I was reading tongue twisters in bed last night with my girl in preperation for a speaking engagement she has today.

I made up,

What a weird world from which we are born,
from warm watery womb wriggling we're torn,
wishfully waiting we long to weturn,
so why does my wife towards the wall turn.

I know, BUT I'm reading a Bwave New World again.

9/11/2006 10:25 PM  
Blogger ticharu gesticulated...

Wow, Paul Bunyan, Bob Dole & Alex! I'm going to faint!

9/12/2006 10:01 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...


Usually Evil Robo-Bob Dole is not too far from his nemesis.

9/13/2006 9:18 PM  
Blogger Lee Ann gesticulated...

Wow, I hate bees in my bonnet too!

9/13/2006 10:20 PM  
Blogger His Majesty gesticulated...

Now I've got a nemesis?! Does it ever end?!

9/13/2006 10:21 PM