Hello, my prize pupils! Today's lecture will be concerning a contemporary issue- one very near and dear to some of your hearts: Cyberspace. The Web. The Internet.

Many of you will recall United States Senator Ted Stevens, the Republican representative from Alaska, and his comments as to the nature of the Internet. He said, "It's not a big truck... it's a series of tubes." Many of you will be surprised to learn that this is, in fact, the true nature of the internet and not a poorly-chosen metaphor. Information is carried into your CPU (central processing unit) by microscopic aquatic organisms, guided unerringly through a complex matrix of tiny aqueducts.

Older versions of the Macintosh OS may respond poorly to broadband.

The physical geography of the internet has already been mapped out by the gentlemen of XKCD (an excellent webcomic). You can find the comprehensive map, carefully topographed onto a diner napkin, here. However, I present an alternative, more user-friendly map below. Please note that this illustration is not my own; it is used as a teaching aid by respected degree-giving institutions.

This was stolen from an information literacy course I took.

It may also surprise you to learn that the internet has both a beginning and an end, or that there are simultaneously creative and destructive properties at work within this invisible, invisible world made of fish. In short, the internet contains the sum of all human knowledge.

I'll leave you all to ponder that. Here's your homework for next class: Write a short song. We here at Roboshrub Inc. might pick the best one, embellish it and record it ourselves. The winner will then recieve the raw data files, to post at his or her own blog. It's like a contest! Like... American Idol!

Clang! Boom! Somewhere on the banks of the Mediterranean, a new civilization is being born!

That was a million years ago; today, the Phoenicians are thought of fondly as the inventors of the toupee. They weren’t an inherently violent people, the Phoenicians... but they were highly unusual for an ancient near eastern culture. For one thing, they didn’t have a king! A whole bunch o’ royal families vied for control of Phoenicia’s paper mines in a series of brutal civil wars, depleting the land of vowels and consonants. This completely demoralized the commoners, who worshiped multiple symbol-based deities. Phoenicia’s archaic system of letter-worship is still practiced today on such television programs as Sesame Street; common Phoenician battle chants were “[t]oday’s conquest brought to you by Anath, goddess of war” and “[d]eath to Kermit!”

Another group of belligerent blowhards that started with the letter “P” were the Philistines. Despite having reptilian DNA and quasi-Mycenean architecture, the Philistines were never able to conquer the neighboring Hebrew kingdoms. Although the Hebrews had a single king, they were not truly a national power until King Solomon revolutionized Mediterranean civilization with his invention of the internal combustion engine. The first tactician to use armored cars in combat, Solomon flayed the Philistine kingdom and destroyed their culture so absolutely that we still make fun of the pathetic Philistines today, what with their frilly sandals and all. But when Solomon died, his control over the Hebrew kingdom went with him; successors just couldn’t follow his orders to “let it alone.” Unfortunate fools! For just as the Hebrews were going into remission, a budding flower of doom was sprouting on nearby soil- the Assyrians.

Years of fighting the Egyptians and Hittites over trivial things such as “whose shadow be longer” turned the Assyrians into a well-oiled war machine. They attacked their neighbors with impunity, returning annually to cities they’d already conquered to reconquer them “just for fun.” Sociologists have managed to trace this aggression to violent pottery art. Unlike other ancient near eastern people, not only were the Assyrians’ gods real, but they actually showed up on a regular basis and traded with them. After a recent archaeological dig in subspace, we believe these “gods” were in fact an advanced extraterrestrial race known as the AMOK, and that they were collecting data on humanity for a future invasion. Thanks a lot, Assyrians.

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Dismal, endless plain—
So, startled, quivering,
To mark that square, perhaps: were Mère and Père
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A rabbit carcass in its stiffened fur.
That desire has ever built, have approached
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Is the moon to grow
Again awaken from your being gone to find
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Allowing me to let your picture form and wake
whose soft bristles graze the top-racks.
Will sound, then the Lord's face will luminesce