As anyone here would probably know, President Bush just nominated Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. You may wonder why anyone would care about this. I can tell you exactly why— the stability of the court's future is in question.

Imagine you're in a room with eight other people, and you're all talking about pets. Two of the eight agree with you that cats are the best animal to walk on four legs, three others are dog people, and the remaining three don't even own pets. With so many different positions, how is it possible to decide which is the best animal to have as a pet? Simple. Your side presents your opinions, your opponents present their opinion, and then the people with no particular opinion work with both sides to reach a compromise. And the end result is that pot-bellied pigs is determined to be the best pet.

Neither side got what they originally wanted, but both sides got the satisfaction of knowing their opponents also lost. Why can't the Supreme Court be that way? Instead of having three liberals, three conservatives, and three moderates, we've got at the very least one swing vote. When people stop making compromises, extreme elements start setting in. That isn't conducive to a consensual level-headed judiciary. After all, what's the point of watching a movie when you know the ending?

And that's my Halloween rant.

Mark of the Scone

“Toastfist! Toastfist! Toastfist!” chanted the Scone army in unison. Their numbers grew each day. And now, with the Manwich of Destiny, victory was all but assured.

“Silence!” blared an inhuman voice from atop the gold-plated balcony which hung over the teeming masses. “Today we take back breakfast! Tomorrow- the Earth!”

Holding the Manwich above his crumbly head, the Scones' leader, General Toastfist, let out a victory howl. The others joined in, their bread-like voices blending together into a crispy cacophony.

Toastfist frowned. There was one man who could still stop him. One man who could thwart his plot to destroy humanity. “What are you doing right now, my nemesis”, muttered Toastfist in a murmur low enough that the troops wouldn't hear. “What are you thinking....”

***

“Senator Ninja! What in the Sam Hill were you thinking, Senator Ninja?!?”

“What? Huh?” bleated Senator Ninja, quickly turning his head from his nightly reports to face this intruder. He reached for his trusty blade, but stopped when he realized who had invaded his den of solitude.

“What are you doing here, deLame? Come back to steal a few lamps?” Senator Ninja sneered at the former House leader.

“Very funny, Nin-jerk. Come up with that on your own, did you?”

“What do you want deLay? I'm very busy,” said an exasperated Senator Ninja.

“I'm just here to ask how the investigation is going.”

“What investigation?”

“Aren't you investigating the mysterious death of Senator Bond?” asked deLay, his eyebrows arching ever so slightly. “I know if I was a Senator and one of my friends was killed-”

“Who said he was killed? I never released the details of Bond's death to anyone.”

“I know. And who gave you the authority to do that?! You can't just stick your nose where it doesn't belong.”

“Weren't you just indicted?” quipped Senator Ninja, his eyes glowing with amusement. deLay's eyes also glowed- but with anger and bitterness.

“I may have been indicted,” deLay barked with a lump in his throat. “But at least I have the good sense not to laugh at Donald Rumsfeld's avatar!” That made Senator Ninja's heart skip a beat.

“What do you know about Donald Rumsfeld?”

“What I know about Rumsfeld is none of your concern. All you need to know is this- Kit Bond was murdered. By the Scones.”

He waited a few minutes for that nugget of information to sink in, but Senator Ninja didn't respond.

“Ninja? Senator Ninja? Are you okay?”

Senator Ninja just sat there, staring into space. His eyes flashed, as if a repressed memory was fighting it's way to the surface.

***

“Here they come, Kit! Act natural.” whispered a twenty-something Dick Cheney.

The year was 1943, the place was Berlin, and the mission was...

“Is the Scone Transducer ready? We need to be able to morph in five, four, three...”

“Who's there?” demanded a young Scone lieutenant, pointing a pistol at the three outsiders. But they weren't outsiders at all. At least, they didn't look like they were.

Well, now we know the Scone armor works. Thought Dick Cheney, his human form cleverly disguised by the powerful device. To everyone but his two companions, Cheney had the appearance of a Scone.

“Citizens aren't allowed here. This is a restricted area,” droned the lieutenant, who had obviously said this to many people.

“I assure you, we're allowed to be here. Kit, show him our papers.”

“Kit? That name sounds almost huma- urk!” yelped the young Scone as the camouflaged visage of Kit Bond quickly reached up and snapped his neck stalk.

“I love my job!” laughed Kit, dragging the crusty carapace behind some garbage cans.

“By the time this is over, we'll be lucky to still be alive, Kit. Drop the routine.” barked Cheney.

“Dick, if you don't drop your routine, you're gonna end up getting a couple of heart attacks and ulcers,” scoffed Kit in his thick Missourian drawl. “Now let's go! I wanna take out Grainsom, and send the whole Scone army back where they came from!”

The third and most indistinct member of the gathering looked back and forth, and finally let out a laugh. “Easy there, Kit. You know that's not our mission. Now wipe those crumbs off your hands. We've got a war to win.”

“Okay. But if we do come up against Grainsom, you gotta let me get 'im.”

“Fine, fine, Grainsom is yours. Now let's get out of here before his buddies show up,” said Dick Cheney, pointing at the garbage cans.

***

“...caused me to loose my balance and fall in. Then my daddy reached in and-”

“Wha- huh- deLay?! What just happened?!” shouted Senator Ninja at a visibly shaken Tom deLay.

“What do mean 'What just happened'? You've been sitting there like a zombie for about an hour now.”

“How could I just be- wait. What are you still doing here? Going through my cabinets for something expensive, right? I know your kind, deLay. You'd steal the Lincoln Memorial if it didn't weigh a few tons.”

deLay's face became a combination of shock and disbelief. Then it turned ugly. “For your information, jerk, you went into some kind of a coma and I was trying to help you.”

“Wha- why didn't you call a doctor?!”

“I did. I got Bill Frist in here. He told me to keep talking to you. He's a genius.”

“And you're a moron! Get out of my office!”

“I don't have to stand here and be insulted by you!” bellowed an indignant Tom deLay. “You're just a second-rate Senator from... from... where are your from, anyway?! Are you even a real Senator?!”

“Get out!” screamed Senator Ninja at the top of his lungs, gesturing violently at the doorway.

“Fine. But before I go, I have one question for you.”

“What is it?!” roared Senator Ninja, anger burning through him.

“I just wanted to know... what do you know about S.R. 8723?”

Senator Ninja's rage turned to ice in his veins.

“What do you know about it?”

“Oh, nothing.” said deLay in an annoying singsong voice. “Just wanted to know what you know. Bye!”

Senator Ninja sat there in his office the rest of the night, contemplating what had transpired. Every possible scenario led to one inevitable answer: a conspiracy was afoot.

The Scones were on the march.

When someone doesn't post anything new to their blog, what does it mean? Are they bored, unable to think of anything to post? Did they completely forget they even had a blog, being so caught up in work? Or is it something far more sinister... could they have been hit by a rogue ice cream truck? When someone leaves the blogosphere, we don't know were they go. You could write something one day, get ready to write something else, and then die of a heart attack. And no one will know for sure. So here's my pledge: if I ever stop blogging for more than a week, assume I'm dead. It's the only way to be certain. Of course, I could just be on vacation...

“We are always learning whether we are in a formal school setting or ‘out in the world’”, said a nonchalant Marion Judd one crisp morn. What she didn’t say is that the lessons we learn aren’t always obvious or expected. In fact, learning can be quite painful. I found this out explicitly all the way back when I was about twelve.

The sun was high in the sky, but it could barely be seen through the thick canopy provided by the trees. It was the summer of- wait, it wasn’t summer. It was fall. My sixth grade class went on a three day field trip to some state park. Caumsett. The name comes from the Matenecock Indian tribe, and means “place by a sharp rock”. The permission slip for the excursion warned the parents that we should all pack extra boots. I remember thinking to myself, “Why should I bring extra boots? That’s just stupid…” Little did I know how badly I would end up needing those boots.

It was a pretty routine field trip, what with the animals and star watching and such. Being pudgy and unenergetic, I never had a flair for all that “nature stuff”. Ultimately it was my hatred of nature that became my undoing. We went on one of those nature hike things, and as usual, I didn’t pay any attention to where we were or where we were going. It was all the same to me. Just another face in the crowd, just following the leader. Then something strange happened. One minute I’m trailing behind everyone, the next minute I’m falling. No, I didn’t fall off a cliff and spiral to my certain death. As soon as my brain began to register what happened I started calling for help; I had somehow jumped into what I can only describe as muddy quicksand. I was up to my knees in this muck, and I couldn’t pull my legs out of it. This was the worst thing that happened to me in my entire time in the public school system, even worse than the time I got stuck in a revolving door in eighth grade. My whole sixth grade class had to double back and my teacher had to pull me out. Unfortunately, the suction (Actually, there is no such thing as suction. The air acts on the vacuum giving the illusion of pull, when actually it is the air pushing against it. Physics rules!) of the mud pulled off both my shoes and I had to walk an indeterminate amount of mileage through the woods in my socks. Because I never bothered taking another pair of shoes, I had to use a pair from the lost and found, which actually looked worse than my waterlogged shoes probably looked right then.

The experience was grueling, but my brief, albeit momentous time at a state park has had a great impact on me. But there are some things that school just can’t teach you. Some things you have to learn by experience. Things like transmuting lead into gold.

Alchemists have theorized for centuries that it was possible to convert common elements into more valuable ones, such as gold. Despite being completely disproved by modern science, some alchemists (such as myself) believe that it is entirely possible to transmute the elements. Armed with only my wits and a $100,000 government grant, I set out to win acclaim and respect from the scientific community.

I began my research by creating a special element table similar in design to the periodic table, but with the elements listed alphabetically. I operated under the assumption that an element starting with an even numbered letter combined with an element starting with an odd numbered letter would produce gold. I started with the simple equation a = 1. Several months later, I realized that my method was flawed. The equation should have been a = 89, since in elemental terms, 89 is the number of protons in one atom of Actinium. Using this as a cipher, I quickly found that when combining Argon and Xenon – two of the most stable gases – the resulting compound was gold. Unfortunately, closer examination of the gold indicated that I’d only succeeded in creating Pyrite- fool’s gold. The secrets of transmutation had once again eluded my grasp!

My disheartening encounters with both the great outdoors and the cold, unfeeling world of science have taught me two very important things. Firstly, avoid national and state parks. They’re nothing but trouble. Secondly, there is no way to turn lead into gold. It can’t be done. And anyone who tries is a bigger fool than I was.

Adding to the legal troubles of the embattled former Majority Leader of the U.S. House, Tom deLay was arrested early yesterday morning after the bodies of nine hoboes were unearthed from a shallow grave outside of Sugarland, Texas.

State troopers who discovered the bodies initially suspected deLay. “It’s definitely his style, that’s for sure,” said one officer on the condition of anonymity. “We’ve been tracking deLay for years, and now that we have the bodies, I think we can finally put an end to the grizzly murders that have plagued Sugarland.”

Although the police don’t have any DNA evidence to tie deLay to the killings, a search warrant for his office turned up several blood-soaked bindles. And even more ominously, the following chat room transcript from deLay's personal computer was obtained under the Freedom of Information Act:

cHaT081405
hoboHunter: d00d, tonite we feast!
D2h4x0r: lol
hoboHunter: no, i’m serious this time. i got 1 more!!!!111
D2h4x0r: dude
hoboHunter: what
D2h4x0r: you got a problem
hoboHunter: ther soulz are mine!!!!!

Yes, I've finally posted the new versions of the Karl animation! You can see them all here:
Without sound
With sound (Original)
With sound (80s style)

Karl the Sorcerer

Which version of the animation did you like best? The one without sound. The Original one. The 80s style one. I hated them both. You should be committed. Search The Internet

The legendary Lord of Silt has chosen to voluntarily return from his epic, two month stint as Lord High Executioner of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. My brutal rein will never be forgotten.

Click here. It wouldn't fit.

Hope your birthday was totally cool. Probably wasn't though, since it rained the entire day. In case you weren't aware, I've released a new batch of Timages, including my much-hyped Karl animation, as well as a new literary masterpiece, "Ballad of the Open Thread".

Adds ten to maximum damage, as well as 3-6 cold damage. Includes 22 level 5 stun charges. Increases attack rating (based on character level). Cold resist +25%.