Now, I’ve heard that there are some members of the audience who were born on the first of April. Is Lenny Greene here? Lenny? Yes, you! Stand up, m’boy! Take some pride in yourself, you’re an old man now! How old are you, bud? 37? Time flies, doesn’t it? Hey, you don’t have to tell me. It seems like just yesterday that I was an apple-cheeked lad tossing newspapers onto lawns. They called us “tossers”, which I’ve heard doesn’t translate very well across the pond.
Stay where you are. I did not tell you to come up to the stage. Were you raised in a barn? Was your father a... okay, you were raised on a farm. I sincerely apologize, I didn’t know. I was raised... well, near a farm. Couple of farms, actually. Apple farms, they grew nothing but apples. Then every autumn, before the equinox, the neighborhood children would sacrifice one of the pesky deer that trespassed through their family’s orchards. The carcass served as a warning to the others, and its lifeblood ensured that the next year’s harvest would be as red as sin. Have you ever had an apple pie that tasted like venison? They even stuck a little Santa Claus sticker on the label. I thought it was sick, but it’s just so good that you’d be crazy to take it up with management. It’s not that I’m pro- or anti-animal sacrifice, I just think more scientific study is needed.
Now who else just had a birthday? Vlad somebody? I can’t read this, it’s either in Cyrillic, or just too long for my mouth to make sense of it. You’re actually younger than me, so I can mangle your name however I want, FYI. Is that your girlfriend? You tell her to SIT DOWN. This isn’t some game show. And from now on, stick to either caps or italics, don’t ever mix them. That’s a direct quote from Mark Twain, FYI.
Forget Vlad, young lady, you can come up here. Don’t be shy, come on up, take a bow, then get back in your seat. I find that it helps me reach my audience better if they’re running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Old Tibetan technique, I picked it up on my last excursion to the Jambalaya Mountains. You haven’t truly lived until you’ve had McDonald’s at 20,000 feet above sea level, and from what the guy at the register/Sherpa told me, a lot of fat people are willing to make the trek. I found that surprising, but I really oughtn’t. Human nature demands we move ever upwards — excelsior! — and if your goal in life is to be at such high altitude that a McRib Shake sublimates in your stomach, that’s admirable.
I’d like to get a little serious, though, if I may. Obesity is a serious epidemic and can lead to a multitude of health problems, such as various and miscellaneous maladies. I’ve proposed a ton of solutions, such as community marathons, reduction of unhealthy adverts, and electrifying our nation’s gum supply. Chewing gum is a gateway drug to obesity, that encourages us to chew. Kids get their hands on gum and think it’s “cool” to chew, and that chewing doesn’t lead to weight gain. El wrongo. When I was six years old, I got my hands on a pack of gum. Five weeks later, I gained fifty pounds and developed a peanut allergy. It’s 100% true; why on God’s green Earth would anyone make this up?
And our final birthday today... is unreadable. My assistant, who already turned in her two week notice twelve days ago, just wrote a scribble. This is why I’m “grumpy”. This is why I’m a “FREQUENT YELLER”. This is why I THREW A STOOL AND BROKE THE WALL. But it’s cool. I’m cool now, I’m calm, I’m collected, I’m not the angry man I used to be. I’ve worked through my issues, and I’m no longer prone to the kind of fits that got me barred from the Wal Mart near my cousin’s house. Though, in my defense, my request at the time was reasonable, and the greeter should have backed down when he was clearly in the wrong. I can’t be held responsible for the irresponsibility of others, and if the judge was competent, he would have recognized that basic fact. It’s natural law. I guess being a 90-year-old war veteran means you can be wrong and still... you know, I’m past that. I don’t “dwell”, like some people incorrectly claim.
Well, that takes care of the birthdays! We’ve had a lot of fun here today, and I’d really like to stay on, but there’s going to be a great musical number coming up after the break. Stay tuned — and kids, remember to visit our web site and write down the mailing address you see on the main page. Then, go into your mommy and daddy’s wallets, take out the little pieces of green paper, and send them to that address! If you can send us the ones with pictures of President Jackson on them, you get a special bonus prize! And remember not to ask your parents for help — that’s cheating!