ALBANY, NEW YORK
The sun was completely blocked out over the state capital yesterday, after thousands of trees took to the streets.
Protests began almost immediately after the random chemical spill / government experiment gone horribly awry / alien intervention / magic that brought almost 350 acres of pristine forest to life last Thursday. Among the protesters’ demands are an immediate end to logging and a proper burial for all wooden furniture and paper.
"Our saplings shouldn’t live in perpetual fear of becoming end tables."
— Anonymous Pine Tree
“We’ve long been the target of human propaganda, from books like ‘The Giving Tree’ to Monty Python’s infatuation with lumberjacks,” claims their spokes-pine, a charismatic young Douglas Fir. “We only want autonomy. My people deserve a place to put down roots.”
Counter-demonstrations have already sprung up, with angry humans waving blank signs made of plywood and chanting “I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay!”
The Roboshrub Press is a wholly pwned subsidiary of Roboshrub News Incorporated, itself pwned by Roboshrub Inc. This article is printed on recycled human pulp.