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Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.

In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department

Changes may not fully take effect until you reload the page.

For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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Four Or More Years!

Roboshrub Inc. opened its doors four years ago today, to much acclaim and expectation.

At its height, Roboshrub Incorporated employed more people than General Motors and was responsible for roughly 6% of America’s GDP (during peak years).

Whole towns sprung up around our franchises, with generations of dregs bred specifically to sample our eclectic wares. Our stock price doubled every four months for more than 24 straight months—one monthular day.

Then the bottom fell out of the used underpants market.

We tried to recoup our losses by investing heavily in real estate early last year, but every city zoning board we approached declined us permits to build castles “unscalable by Viking and proofed against Beasts of Land and Sea.” Our attempts to woo them with worthless trinkets… failed.

How ironic it seems, in retrospect, that we burned our construction equipment for heat right as the wealthy urgently needed fortified strongholds to secure what little gold and food remained to their names. In dire straights, we even began to print our own money, backed solely by prayer. It didn’t catch on with enough customers.

But Roboshrub Inc. is determined to survive—nay, thrive!—this recession. We’ve already taken the ceremonial step of not just firing our ineffective CEO, but sealing him (kicking and screaming) in a cask of industrial garlic oil and floating him down the Ganges.

Our new CEO is an idealistic farm boy fresh off the turnip truck. His only job is to help the board of directors overcome years of cynicism and reconnect with humanity; then we’ll turn it into a late-summer blockbuster and rake in millions. Then we’ll have the money to hire back our corrupt and incompetent former CEO at his new, higher rate (which excludes garlic-related dry cleaning and bonus whale).

Ah… stop right there. I know what you’re thinking. And no, these shake-ups at the top most certainly don’t mean we’ve lost our borderline-obsessive focus on the customer.

In the past, we’ve brought you amazing and thought-provoking products like ham-flavored gum, aluminum balloons and solar-powered umbrellas. We’ve already got a new Fall line-up that our antisocial engineers claim you should love: dust cover covers, foetal identity bracelets, caramelized sugar cubes, high-definition mirrors, and a new version of the transparent toupée that doesn’t cause brain fissures!

The Unbearable Pain!
40% less brain fissures equals more fun with your invisible wig!

Discounts will be given to those maimed by past products.

We hope for your continued patronage and support, but keep in mind that you’re just a drop in the bucket and making you happy won’t move our bottom line one iota. Our service reps aren’t going to be doing a little song and dance for some chump change, so buy in bulk and make sure you read the manuals. Opening boxes voids your warranty.

Roboshrub Incorporated
Gastrointestinal Communications Department



Father's Day

Happy Father’s Day
The lights are bright and hotter than my face;
My makeup is cracked and starting to peel;
The red rubber noses and wigs badly chafe;
And these size thirty-sixes bite at my heel.
No more will I shovel elephant dung
Or merrily dust out the lions’ barred cages
Or attend the acrobats’ highest rung
Or suffer the sword-thrower’s silver rages.
I dream of an office, a suit and tie,
An apartment with exorbitant rent;
A world fenced in by a boundless blue sky,
Not the striped roof of your precious big tent.
I’ve lived in your world, dad, its quirks, its charm.
I’d much rather be an accountant like mom.



HISTORY JUST kind of... happened. Today.

This conversation was recorded in real time and accurately reflects the overall viewpoints and reactions of the citizenry of New York during the dangerous and unexpected coup d'état of our state government (which is not yours) in the month of our lord June 2009.

Background: Albany (our state capital) is in an uproar, as we are about to learn in REAL UNFOLDING REALITY. Meanwhile, two disinterested people are speaking as they normally would--when REALITY STRIKES.

(05:57:40 PM) R9NE: Yeah...
(05:57:41 PM) R9NE: Yeah...
(05:58:11 PM) Me: Anything going down at the old abandoned warehouse tonight?
(05:58:28 PM) Me: You've been running numbers, I heard.
(05:59:02 PM) R9NE: Who told you that?
(05:59:16 PM) Me: Various peoples.
(05:59:31 PM) Me: Walls have ears.
(05:59:40 PM) Me: Potatoes have eyes.
(05:59:57 PM) R9NE: 'bout to say that.
(06:00:08 PM) Me: Pepsi jinx.
(06:00:50 PM) Me: That's right.
(06:01:11 PM) Me: You owe me a LIFETIME OF SERVITUDE or a Pepsi.
(06:03:12 PM) R9NE: FINE!
(06:03:15 PM) R9NE: I can't believe you drink this stuff...
(06:03:25 PM) Me: Only the diet ones.
(06:03:44 PM) Me: Artificial flavors keep me truckin'.
(06:03:52 PM) R9NE: Heh
(06:04:23 PM) Me: Speaking of food, Professor Huxley should be done with his semester. When are we all going out on the town?
(06:04:40 PM) Me: Hit up every diner from here to Connecticut.
(06:06:00 PM) R9NE: I 'unno
(06:06:14 PM) R9NE: Soon I'd think
(06:06:26 PM) Me: Egg-sellent.
(06:06:47 PM) Me: Been getting bored, Me has.
(06:06:54 PM) R9NE: Seriously?
(06:06:56 PM) Me: Speaking in third person, he does now.
(06:07:03 PM) Me: A little.
(06:07:09 PM) R9NE: An egg pun?
(06:07:18 PM) Me: I was building to something.
(06:07:30 PM) Me: But I forgot the punchline to that yolk.
(06:07:47 PM) R9NE: STOP!
(06:07:59 PM) Me: You sure seem scrambled.
(06:08:24 PM) R9NE: ...
(06:08:36 PM) Me: Yeah, I kept going there.
(07:31:52 PM) Me: There's been a coup, you know.
(07:32:00 PM) Me: Today, in fact.
(07:33:50 PM) R9NE: What kinda coop?
(07:34:05 PM) Me: Republicans seized control of the NY state senate.
(07:35:22 PM) R9NE: By force?
(07:35:26 PM) Me:
(07:36:11 PM) Me: I assume our neighboring states will take advantage of this turmoil and pillage our border cities.
(07:37:08 PM) Me: Will New Hampshire be greeted as a liberator?
(07:37:18 PM) R9NE: Those Democratic Hoardes
(07:40:44 PM) Me: When you talk to friends outside NY, make sure to mention that you lived through a coup d'état.
(07:44:05 PM) R9NE: Savvy politicoing
(08:04:22 PM) Me: Were you saying something? I was eating peanut butter.
(08:04:56 PM) R9NE: That's why I couldn't understand you...
(08:05:05 PM) Me: I prefer smooth.
(08:05:14 PM) Me: Are you a crunchy man?
(08:05:28 PM) R9NE: Depends on my mood?
(08:06:03 PM) Me: I think they put peanut butter in Mr. Ed's mouth to make it look like hewas talking.
(08:06:50 PM) R9NE: They did
(08:07:56 PM) Me: But did Mr. Ed prefer crunchy or smooth?
(08:08:27 PM) R9NE: He was a horse
(08:08:35 PM) R9NE: Obvious choice is smooth
(08:09:11 PM) Me: Horses can eat crunchy, too.
(08:09:50 PM) Me: I feel sorry for people with peanut allergies.
(08:10:02 PM) R9NE: Me TOO!
(08:10:10 PM) R9NE: They're missing out on everything
(08:10:10 PM) Me: They can't eat M&Ms.
(08:10:49 PM) Me: And if they kiss someone who just ate peanut butter, they will die.
(08:13:21 PM) Me: Do you think people with peanut allergies wind up working in the same field?
(08:13:53 PM) R9NE: It's possible there's some genetic correlation
(08:14:07 PM) Me: I'll bet that's where emos come from.
(08:15:04 PM) R9NE: I can't eat Reese's Cup!
(08:15:06 PM) Me: Do you know anyone with peanut allergies?
(08:15:08 PM) R9NE: s
(08:15:11 PM) R9NE: ::Cuts self::
(08:15:16 PM) R9NE: [NAME REMOVED]
(08:15:24 PM) R9NE: He has both Peanut and Chocolate
(08:15:26 PM) R9NE: I think
(08:16:17 PM) Me: Does he eat Chinese food? That's sometimes cooked in peanut oil.
(08:17:09 PM) R9NE: i unno
(08:17:13 PM) R9NE: I've never seen him
(08:17:14 PM) R9NE: then again
(08:17:31 PM) R9NE: I've never see him and Barack Obama in the same room at the same time
(08:17:46 PM) Me: So getting back to the coup, is there something we should be doing?
(08:18:14 PM) Me: Should we wear something? Isn't that what they do when there's a coup?
(08:18:29 PM) R9NE: Berets?
(08:18:33 PM) Me: Do I need a coup suit?
(08:18:43 PM) R9NE: Heh
(08:18:51 PM) Me: I have a suit.
(08:19:13 PM) Me: I don't have many opportunities to wear it.
(08:20:36 PM) Me: I don't have a beret, but I have a hat that looks like a beret from the side.
(08:21:26 PM) R9NE: See
(08:21:28 PM) R9NE: I have a suit
(08:21:32 PM) R9NE: that I wear just because
(08:21:40 PM) R9NE: at least once a month
(08:22:59 PM) Me: If you wear your suit every month, it lessens the chance that you'll end up with a nest of poisonous spiders in the collar.
(08:23:48 PM) R9NE: That brings your insurance premiums down
(08:23:54 PM) R9NE: Get a tax write of
(08:23:55 PM) R9NE: f
(08:24:58 PM) Me: The state senate is in no condition to deal with my crackpot spider proposals.
(08:25:54 PM) R9NE: What if you demonstrated
(08:26:04 PM) R9NE: With a giant mechanical spider
(08:26:15 PM) Me: I'd need a big suit.
(08:26:38 PM) Me: I'm talking a suit that could fit the Statue of Liberty.
(08:27:16 PM) Me: But even then, I doubt a mechanical spider would present a good test case.
(08:28:03 PM) R9NE: How about this
(08:28:10 PM) Me: I'm listening.
(08:28:19 PM) R9NE: Thousands of tiny machanized spiders
(08:28:27 PM) Me: Keep going.
(08:28:31 PM) R9NE: programmed to seek collars and hide.
(08:28:56 PM) R9NE: Until 15 minutes after you give your proposal
(08:29:04 PM) R9NE: Then they attack.
(08:29:36 PM) Me: That would work only if the suits targeting were unworn.
(08:29:47 PM) Me: That's the point of my proposal.
(08:29:56 PM) R9NE: Touche
(08:30:01 PM) Me: That the spiders would inhabit clothing that isn't being worn.
(08:30:19 PM) R9NE: Steal their suits?
(08:30:31 PM) Me: Then how would they get to work?
(08:30:46 PM) R9NE: Other suits
(08:30:59 PM) R9NE: then return the original suits the day of your proposal
(08:31:13 PM) Me: They might assume I'd bugged them.
(08:31:16 PM) Me: With bugs.
(08:32:25 PM) Me: My old external hard drive died so I bought a new one.
(08:32:32 PM) Me: About a month ago.
(08:33:13 PM) Me: But getting back to the spiders, we could set up a time lapse shot of a spider nest forming in a disused closet.
(08:33:29 PM) Me: Real world conditions and all.
(08:45:24 PM) Me: Well, it looks like the coup is over. The Democrats say it was illegal.
(08:46:08 PM) R9NE: Neat
(08:46:18 PM) R9NE: I'lll hear all about it on the nightly news
(08:46:20 PM) R9NE: or
(08:46:27 PM) Me: Brainband?
(08:46:28 PM) R9NE: as people call it
(08:46:33 PM) R9NE: The Daily Show
(08:46:44 PM) Me: Jon Stewart is missing an h.
(08:47:19 PM) Me: I used to think Ed Helms and Steven Colbert were the same person.
(08:47:25 PM) Me: Then I thought they were related.
(08:47:34 PM) R9NE: And the same person?
(08:47:38 PM) Me: No.
(08:47:45 PM) Me: First I thought they were the same person.
(08:47:58 PM) Me: Then I realized they weren't.
(08:48:42 PM) Me: Speaking of Ed Helms, did you see The Hangover?
(08:48:59 PM) R9NE: Yes
(08:49:06 PM) Me: How great was that?
(08:49:13 PM) R9NE: He had one of my favorite parts of that movie
(08:49:17 PM) R9NE: the musical interlude
(08:49:37 PM) Me: When was that?
(08:50:33 PM) R9NE: When they had to get the tiger out of the hotel room
(08:50:38 PM) R9NE: waiting for it to sleep
(08:50:45 PM) Me: That was awesome.
(08:51:33 PM) Me: I was like a better version of Dude Where's My Car?
(08:51:51 PM) R9NE: It was still really crude and dumb
(08:52:00 PM) R9NE: I kind of expected more out of Zack
(08:52:12 PM) Me: He can't be everything.
(08:52:25 PM) R9NE: He can be
(08:52:27 PM) R9NE: Not
(08:52:32 PM) R9NE: what he was in that movie
(08:53:05 PM) Me: That's true.
(08:53:50 PM) Me: Yeah, I saw the movie Friday night.
(08:54:11 PM) Me: Then after the movie I walked all the way downtown and back in total silence.
(08:54:30 PM) R9NE: why?
(08:55:22 PM) Me: I've spent two days working on a punchline for that, but I can't settle.
(08:56:07 PM) Me: I've got nothing really.
(08:56:20 PM) Me: I have no idea why I wasted two hours like that.
(08:56:32 PM) Me: But at least the walk was worth it.
(08:56:35 PM) Me: ...
(08:56:56 PM) Me: See what I did there, I made it seem like pointlessly walking for two hours was more entertaining than the movie.
(08:57:40 PM) Me: I plan to use that story in the future for movies I hated.
(08:57:56 PM) R9NE: I liked it
(08:57:59 PM) R9NE: The joke
(08:58:03 PM) R9NE: Not the movie, so much
(08:58:26 PM) Me: I actually did walk for two hours.
(09:02:51 PM) Me: Is it safe to be out on the streets in the event of a coup?
(09:03:17 PM) Me: I feel like I should be stocking up on corn.
(09:03:42 PM) R9NE: I think we're good right now...
(09:04:15 PM) Me: I'm not going to wear a suit if it rains.
(09:04:32 PM) Me: Although I might have to, to allay the spiders.
(09:17:05 PM) Me: What's your favorite pizza place in town?
(09:17:14 PM) R9NE: Urm
(09:17:27 PM) R9NE: I honestly cannot say
(09:17:35 PM) R9NE: There are too many
(09:17:45 PM) Me: There's more than a dozen.
(09:18:14 PM) Me: I've been meaning to eat at Village Pizza. Have you been there?
(09:18:53 PM) R9NE: Probably
(09:18:57 PM) R9NE: I do like pizza
(09:19:17 PM) Me: Is there such a thing as peanut butter pizza?
(09:19:40 PM) Me: Or would that be like putting cheese on Chinese food?
(09:22:05 PM) R9NE: Both good ideas...
(09:22:28 PM) Me: I tried combining lemon juice and milk once.
(09:22:45 PM) Me: I'm not allowed to cook.
(09:22:59 PM) Me: Then I tried to clean the house.
(09:23:00 PM) R9NE: Ew
(09:23:07 PM) Me: I'm not allowed to vacuum.
(09:23:38 PM) Me: Yeah, there aren't that many things that should be combined with milk.
(09:24:31 PM) R9NE: Or lemon juice
(09:25:00 PM) Me: It tasted good for a split second though.
(09:26:24 PM) Me: The state senate should mandate warning labels on milk cartons: "DO NOT COMBINE WITH LEMON."
(09:26:33 PM) Me: They've got nothing better to do.
(09:27:31 PM) R9NE: Except overthrown one and other
(09:28:17 PM) Me: Do you sympathize with the rebels?
(09:28:34 PM) Me: Answer me, you coxcomb!
(09:28:53 PM) R9NE: Nope
(09:29:06 PM) Me: Is that no to the question, or no to answering me?
(09:29:22 PM) Me: Respond, applejohn!
(09:31:15 PM) R9NE: I have no sympathy for the rebelicans
(09:31:30 PM) Me: Nice use of words.
(09:31:58 PM) Me: *applauds*
(09:40:10 PM) Me: Do you think surgeons could give me handfeet?
(09:40:40 PM) R9NE: Why would you want that?
(09:41:10 PM) Me: I'd like to shake hands with my feet. Is that a crime now?
(09:41:35 PM) R9NE: Just saying they'd be useless in every other situation
(09:41:55 PM) Me: I could do twice as much paperwork.
(09:45:04 PM) R9NE: How?
(09:45:37 PM) Me: Two hands becomes four, I could write twice as much.
(09:45:59 PM) Me: If I was ambidextrous, I'd quadruple my capacity.
(09:46:28 PM) R9NE: Oooo
(09:46:31 PM) R9NE: I was thinking
(09:46:32 PM) R9NE: Feet-hands
(09:46:41 PM) Me: You could gallop!
(09:47:16 PM) Me: Although you'd need to change the length of your legs so your arms and legs were equal length.
(09:48:40 PM) R9NE: Yeap
(09:50:30 PM) Me: I've always wanted a tail.
(09:50:47 PM) R9NE: I want retractable claws
(09:50:53 PM) R9NE: Wait
(09:50:53 PM) R9NE: not
(09:50:59 PM) R9NE: I want wings
(09:51:05 PM) Me: Why not have both?
(09:51:13 PM) R9NE: Seems like over doing
(09:51:38 PM) Me: I'd like a bunch of Rhino horns.
(09:52:44 PM) Me: Can we include robot parts?
(09:53:02 PM) R9NE: ....No
(09:53:09 PM) R9NE: Fucking freak andriod lover
(09:53:21 PM) Me: But I want super robot legs!
(09:53:37 PM) Me: Then I could run faster than a cheetah.
(09:54:08 PM) Me: Speaking of Androids, have you seen Google's new phone?
(09:55:00 PM) Me: You should ditch your iPhone and buy a tin can. Its battery would be better.
(09:55:31 PM) R9NE: You shut up about my iPhone
(09:55:48 PM) Me: It kills puppies.
(09:56:15 PM) Me: And it's encrypted to prevent third party firmware.
(09:56:29 PM) Me: Think of the poor third parties.
(09:57:40 PM) R9NE: I know...
(09:58:45 PM) Me: I've got a Shuffle.

The conversation does not continue after this point. We can only assume HORRIBLE THINGS.

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