At age 2, Thaddeus T. Thimbleton the Third was already thirty times more perceptive than most other toddlers. He learned to speak as soon as he was born, and his bladder control was already that of a six year old. By the time he was 3, he could bench press 800 pounds and was drafted by the Roosevelt administration to oversee the purification of the United States’ beef supply. Excluding the Eisenhower years, it was the only time in American history that control of a federal agency was given to someone under the age of 9.
He remained a top politico until a falling out with President Taft after the large man accidentally stepped on Thimbleton’s cherished Robber Barron ~OR~ Captain of Industry? playset, flattening a tin replica of Andrew Carnegie. “You killed Andy!” Thimbleton is reported to have shouted as he ran crying from the oval office (which he partly designed). Although the two parted so unceremoniously and on such harsh terms, they maintained an amicable correspondence in the months preceding Taft’s death, similar to how Thomas Jefferson would send John Adams woodcarvings of himself wearing various hats and Adams would reciprocate.
Once he reached the age of ten Thimbleton was accepted to the Austrian School of Electrics & Granular Dynamics, where he excelled academically despite being functionally illiterate. As an early adopter of Tolkien mythology, Thimbleton was posited at the top of his campus’ social pyramid. Unfortunately (for everyone who ever lived), most of the students at Electrics & Granular were imperialist proto-nerds and were seriously warped by Thimbleton’s interpretation of The Lord of the Rings as Social Darwinist propaganda. Within three months, Thimbleton’s sci-fi book club, The Black Hand, had assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand to “preserve the purity of Middle Earth.”
Instead of uniting the world in peace and mutual friendship (as Tolkien predicted, said Thimbleton), the assassination set off a... a... WORLD WAR! No longer welcome in Austria, Thimbleton was forced to retreat to the one nation that would accept him- Canada. Fearing that a recent border skirmish would lead to a full-scale invasion by the United States, Prime Minister Borden had already commissioned a covert nuclear weapons program to ensure Canadian sovereignty. So when the child who invented nerve gas — yes, while looking through the notebooks Thimbleton left behind as he fled, Austrian officials found doodles of cartoon characters in the margins, with complex stoichiometric formulas in their speech bubbles. These formulas turned out to be the blueprints for a refined mustard-based toxin, and were turned over immediately to the Germans, who claimed the invention as their own — when that child appeared on Canadian shores, Borden made him an honourary Canadian citizen and set him to work building nukes.
Thaddeous Thimbleton, age 14
Though the war ended before Thimbleton’s incredible fission machine could be rigorously tested, his research was later cited by Albert Einstein and Leslie Groves as proof that nuclear power was in fact possible at all. Today, Canada’s nuclear program is one of the world’s best-kept secrets, and Robert Borden was exhumed and buried face-down in 1980 by some guy named Phil Brooks.