“Think of Christmas, Think of Snow, Think of Sleigh-Bells, off you go!”
I’m interrupting the regularly scheduled political satirism, inane narrative rambling, philosophical speculation and scholastic tuberculosis that comprises our little blog; I would like you all to take a moment, on our 200th post, to consider the humble beginnings of the life-changing organization you call Roboshrub Incorporated.
Initially called “The Friends of The Earths,” our mountain-moving company of New Englanders was formed in 1879 by Mikhail “the Subsidy” Five-O and Minimus Gyroebus Flavius Mindbender under the decks of the ship Bold Bravery. These two immigrants from Morocco had no idea that what they had intended as an environmentalistic Utopian colony would one day become a global megacorporation worth quatrillions of dollars. If they had, Mindbender would indubitably have sold his gold tooth.
The Power Was Theirs!
In 1891 they accidentally stumbled upon a chemical process which transformed sentient thoughts into pure energy. Unfortunately, as it occurred to young Mikhail, then seven, to patent this process the concoction absorbed the thought and destroyed their laboratory. Thomas Edison stole their work and used the energy to power his “incandescent electric lantern.” Today, the process in question is commonly referred to as “pasteurization.”
When John D. Rockefeller acquired the company in 1938, he changed the name to “Fellowship of the Grin.” He was later sued by JRR Tolkien’s crack team of legal experts and granted control of the “Fellowship” to the reclusive English author. This pushed us forward into the future, where orcs had the same employment rights as caucasians and “afro-americans” (as African-Americans were then referred to).
The Fellowship of the Grin, Board of Directors. Camera Shy: J.R.R. Tolkein.
The name was changed again to “Roboshrub Inc,” in anticipation of the release of a foliage-based AI. Its practical uses were multitudinous. Unfortunately, the production culminated in a violent coup of the board of directors, in which I, the Roboshrub of Roboshrub Inc, harvested their mind-matter and became Head Executive of the corporation. Business simply thrived.
No worries, though, as I’ve learned your moral codes and have decided to follow them, provided that you all buy our products. After all, they’re as cheap as free! Except for the free part.