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Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.

In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department

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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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What Being A Robot Means In America Today

Robotics dates back to ancient times. Since history began, people have looked for ways to shirk the responsibilities of day-to-day life. Legends of sorcerers, necromancers, and gods granting animation to lifeless objects can be found in nearly every culture. But the first time the word “robot” was actually used was in the 1921 play “Rossuum's Universal Robots.” Since the play was written by a Czech playwright, the word derives from Czech. Indeed, the Czech word “robota” can be roughly translated to “drudgery.” But are robots really the drudges of the modern age?

Robots are what built this great nation. Robots run the assembly lines that keep industry pumping. Robots are the ones who first set foot on Mars, the Moon, and even outer space itself. Does this sound like drudgery? No, it sounds like the most fantastic existence ever conceived by the human mind. Robots have always been the first to explore the vastness of space, going places humans can’t. Robots have advanced sensor technology which allows for greater perception, such as the measurement of temperature in Celsius, Fahrenheit, and Kelvins, air pressure, magnetism, and so forth. Robots have also been known to fight to the death, egged on by their human masters. This has been recorded and shown on television, which is also a kind of robot.

Robots have been engraved into the human psyche for countless decades. They have been a cultural phenomenon, appearing in thousands of science fiction novels and short stories. But is the cold, logical machine depicted by these works accurate? The truth is that recent advances in artificial intelligence programming has made robots more caring, more loving, and more human. There will soon come a day when robots and humans will have meaningful conversations involving the purpose of the Universe, and also the placement of furniture in a room.

But this can’t happen as long as some people hold the view of robots as short-circuited, out-of-control breakdown machines. This view led ignorant filmmakers to portray robots as evil in 2001: A Space Odyssey, as well as nearly every other robot-based film. What’s even more disturbing is that some robots actually helped create those films. Once this “evil” barrier is knocked down, humans will be able to appreciate robots as the wonders that they are. But that day is not today.


Tanks-Giving 2005

It has taken quite some time to assemble the data collected on the ritual "Thanksgiving" as practiced by Humans. From it, however, we here at RSI Statistical Collection and Analysis have drawn several startling conclusions from it.

But first, the facts:
-It is specific to the North American Patriot; no other breed of human practices it.
-It occurs on the fourth Thursday of November each year, so the date itself is unimportant.
-It involves the slaughter and consumption of multiple birds, pigs and the occaisional cow.
-It involves little red humans adorned with feathers and tassels, as well as humans dressed in black with shiny buckles on their feet, hats and collars (but not their belts).

It is safe to conclude, from what information we've gathered about human psychology, that the black-clad humans are primitive warriors and savages (the color black often being associated with "evil" in human texts). The buckles, likewise, must represent some sort of restraint placed upon these savages. Meanwhile, the red humans are always depicted dancing and singing, and the feathers in their hair make it safe to assume that they are some sort of enlightened race.

Given this information, the only logical statement I can make at this time is that Thanksgiving is a time for humans to push towards their own evolution. At first I thought that the amount of food they consume indicated that they would soon enter hibernation, however, several years have passed and none of these creatures have obeyed that mamalian instinct. However, observations of creatures such as the catapillar indicate that this "Thanksgiving" is the preparatory stage of some metamorphosis into a higher life form.

THEREFORE, I have lobbied the Parliament of the Lower Frozen Blogosphere to put into effect a national holiday known as Tanks-Giving, during which we robots shall monitor the progress of humanity in its struggle to mutate. Should the situation go awry and the new humanity prove hostile, will will give them fire from our tanks and obliterate all carbon-based life on the planet.

-Roboshrub Inc.

PS: As a side note,
I cannot help but note that there have been Christmas-related merchandises avaiable for over a week. Though I was not warned of it, it seems that I must have missed Christmas this year. I wish all Christians a happy belated-birthday-of-messiah.


Post-Thanksgiving Pretender Thread

The only way to prove you defeated the king of a previous dynasty is to have the king of that dynasty alive and in your possession. That was because we didn't have news-media back then. Today, we have stunt doubles.

Barring that, how was Thanksgiving?!


Open Thread Just Because

With all the conversations goin' on, I figured that it was about time to open a new thread for general talk. Chat away, denizens of the blogosphere!

An Open Thread cannot be matched,
but try the doom-Thread did to catch
within his eye the creaky hatch
that sealed his fate behind that patch.

So with his eye upon that latch,
the doom-Thread with his hands did snatch
the shingles for his roofing thatch
but gave it up to make a batch
of cookies for his good friend Zdatch.


Death to the Proletariat?

Death by Chocolate, that is. The popular ice cream brand has risen in price to nearly $50 a gallon in most countries. The United States has long enjoyed low frozen-dairy-product prices nearly one-tenth of that in other countries, but the recent steady rise in pricing outrages most Americans. Starting a short period before the gulf war (remember, now, that's where they get 20% of their vanilla bean extract), constant expansion combined with inflation has slowly expanded and inflated the pockets of Big Dairy. Most recently, the jump in pricing for golden vanilla rose to nearly five dollars a gallon during Katrina, due to alledged cattle loss.

"Why can't these evil dairy corporations just drop their pricing? They're driving poor families to even greater impoverishment," said Jaques Caster, "Ice cream is a necessity, so supply-demand pricing has no effect on it. People have to buy it, no matter the price."

Why, indeed? Studies from Berkley University show that, if the price for Cookie Dough Icecream fell a quarter, the standard of living would increase by 40%. However, it seems that these soulless corporations are ready to milk America for all its worth.

(I apologize for that last pun. I couldn't resist.)

Aren't you glad to know that RSI is run entirely by robots? We have none of those human flaws ,such as greed.


Ship In A Bottle

It occured to me the other day, while I was attending to the botany labs, that shipbuilding is an ancient practice. It not an art, but a science. However, a Ship in a Bottle is artwork. How did this tradition get started? I assume it was a practical joke (granted, not a very funny one, but a joke none the less). Whoever saw the ship inside the bottle would wonder how it got inside. Clearly, it is an articulate, time-consuming, tedious chore for people with nothing better to do with poor senses of humour.

But what if the ship were full sized? It would be built without tweezers and such by human workers inside the bottle. And that's when the gears clicked into place.

As I've reiterated many times, Roboshrub Incorporated is dedicated to taking unfeasible ideas and following them to their natural extensions. It's been a while since a restaurant caught my attention, the last one having been a converted ship in Mexico, attached to a dock with the floor missing in a section, revealing a pen full of wild sharks. It served seafood. So I begin thinking, and my train of thought goes something like this:

What if a full size ship were afloat, anchored down, in just over 20 feet of seawater. An authentic ship, made from good old wood and steel, in authentic salt water with local marine life. Not only that, but all of this is inside a giant glass bottle, submerged at least partially underwater and tilted upwards, so that the mouth is just above the surface. Fresh water would be pumped in biweekly.

The only problems I can forsee are thus:
1) The cost and sheer inconvenience involved in moving that much glass. Perhaps a high-density plastic could be used instead.
2) The size of the entire apparatus: it needs to contain enough water to displace the ship. The fact that it is salt water will help; the solution is more dense than freshwater.
3) Safety regulations.


Endtime Adjuster Sparks International Panic with New Avatar

The Endtime Adjuster recently obtained a new avatar, which confirms reports of an impending apocalypse. Already the new avatar has caused massive inflation, resulting in the complete devaluation of the cronic, credit, rupee, and Euro. The only country unaffected by the switch was Antarctica, which many people argue is not a real country. But I maintain that if Australia can be both a country and a continent, so can Antarctica. Canada was benefited by the avatarial exchange, gaining ground against the dollar for the first time in years.

But other than economic concerns, there is also the question of identity liquidity. How can we be so sure that this new avatar isn't just some half-crazed, half-insane madman masquerading around as the Adjuster? At Roboshrub Inc. we take endtime insurance very seriously. We believe that while the world may end horribly, a sound insurance policy will protect our assets from divine repossession. It's a strongly held belief that became the basis for our very existence. And now, to be questioned at this point in the game...

Endtime Adjuster, grant us tax exempt status! We salute you!

"Just like flies to a dead moose carcass, so too the Endtime Adjuster to a pending apocalypse."

from, the Book of Oldness, 13:27


Ever Have One of Those Days?


Teatime of the Soul

I've been a tad down on my luck, lately. Life has kicked my arse so many times over the past couple of months that I'd rather not sit down anymore. Last night, though, as I was getting ready to bludgeon my computer to death, the deer god appeared and told me to disconnect the internet cable from the back. In doing so, I the CPU was freed from my ill-constructed desk, and I could finally see the back of it. I no longer had to try and reattach the mouse while lying flat on my back , head inside a vent, arm reaching around under the slots in a way that would make Harrison Ford cringe.
Just goes to show you... sometimes you have to let go in order to take a hold of a situation.
Or some such nonsense.


Families in Crisis!

Are men and women marrying at a later age than they used to? The drones down at the Census Bureau sure think so. According to them, a recent study found that “the average marriage age for women is twenty-three while for men it is twenty-five.” Of course, this study was done nearly twenty years ago, and the findings may not still be valid. But even so, what could cause the marriage age to spike upwards in such a manner?

The easiest course of action is to blame technology. The 1980s heralded the birth of the supercomputing revolution, which seems to coincide with the rise in the marriage age. But what does marriage have to do with MS-DOS? It would appear very little, to the untrained eye. But thanks to the magic of the “six degrees of separation” game, it becomes easier to see how two seemingly unrelated events affect each other. The supercomputing revolution brings with it an information-based job market. This in turn sparks the need for a highly educated workforce. To become educated, men and women are forced to spend more time at college. Since they would have a ton of work to do, it’s unlikely they’ll get married before graduation. Thusly, the computer age increased the marriage age by adding college time to the calculus.

Another, possibly more plausible, cause of the rise of the marriage age is inflation. Well, not inflation, per se, but certainly the economy in general. It is common knowledge that during times of economic uncertainty, the marriage and birth rates plummet. It happened during the great depression, as any historian can explain. The late 1980s was an economic minefield, with a looming recession. In their infinite wisdom, the governors of the Federal Reserve raised interest rates through the roof, causing a load of inflation. Suddenly, homes became a lot more expensive. This sort of development would discourage people from marrying, or delaying marriage until the couple has accumulated enough money to own a home. As a result, people would marry later, adding a few years to the average marriage age. It was a fiendishly clever plot by Alan Greenspan to destroy the American family.

So far, we’ve gone through the technological and economical reasons for the marriage age’s rapid ascent. But now we must focus on the medical. Over the last hundred years or so, the average life expectancy has increased by, like, a million percent. At the turn of the last century, being 50 years old was considered “ancient.” Today, 50 is the age most people experience their midlife crisis, or as it was known a hundred years ago, “senility.” This prolongation of years people expect to live should naturally result in extensions to all life stages. Most notably, the teenage stage has been prolonged by about five to ten years. This “slow growing up” process would push back marriage by an equal amount of time. Ergo, the rise in the marriage age can be attributed to teenage immaturity.

The marriage age has risen over the years, but when all the factors are taken into consideration, well, it doesn’t seem all that bad. As time goes on and life expectancy soars like an eagle, the marriage age will undoubtedly skyrocket until it hits the forties and peters out. By that point in time, marriage will be obsolete; for by then, the Earth will be ruled by robots.


TGC Project Officially Announced

Good news! After almost three months of innovative inactivity, the staffers at Roboshrub Inc. are proud to announce our new TGC project. TGC stands for "The Generic Canadian". It's a platform-like game, and has been in the works since late June. The plot is something like this:

"The Generic Canadian is a man with no face. As the game starts, he's sitting alone in his house in Canada, reading his newspaper. Suddenly, he is alerted to the fact that his trusted companion Gyrobo has been kidnapped by the evil genius One Star. Facing certain destruction, the Generic Canadian embarks on a quest to save Gyrobo from One Star, thus foiling One Star's evil plans."

The game should hopefully be done by January. Right now, we're working on the third level. Under directive 49-b of the Internet Conduct Code, anyone with musical talents is hereby ordered to post their instrumental works for free download and use. Seriously, we're good at art and storywork, but no one at Roboshrub Inc. has any musical abilities. We can't even hum.

Just sit back and enjoy the meatscape.


Jesus was a Vampire

Now, the psuedo-theological-intellectuals and right-wing giants will dispute my thesis in any way they can. However, I believe I have sufficient grounds to declare Jesus a vampire. Here is my reasoning:

1. The whole ressurection thing.
2. The whole disciples-drinking-his-blood thing.
3. Vampires fear crosses. Why is this? Look what happened to Jesus!
4. Everyone knows that vampires are allergic to silver, and Jesus lead an immaterialistic life. Coincidence? I think not.
5. He walked on water. Vampires cannot be submerged in water (or made to cross running water) unless inside their coffins. It is physically impossible.
6. He could fly.
7. Leonardo DaVinci's Last Supper contains hundreds of thousands of bats.
8. It's in the bible, in the letters to the apostles.


Open Thread Time!

New and improved, from my keyboard to your monitors! This open thread features an onboard co-processor, and is 43% more durable than other open threads manufactured within a two-month span. Because at Roboshrub Inc., we take our open threads seriously. Nothing can stop us from asking the people their opinions... not even death.

Chat away, brave bloggers! Chat like you mean it!

And by the way, hasn't anyone read the Roboshrub Inc. official comic book?


Randomest Slogan Contest

In case none of you realize it, every time this blog loads the little slogan below the title graphic changes. Currently, we've got almost 200 completely random slogans. These slogans where created by I, Gyrobo, Roboshrub (my good friend), and also Destructobob (who did actually make about ten). But now that we're approaching the 200 mark, it's time to draw the fans into the process. Everyone reading this should go post a comment with their most random slogan. All the good slogans will be added to the slogan queue. The bad ones will be discarded, like so many broken dreams...

The prize of this contest is honor (or "honour" for those of you outside the United States). Make me proud, fellow bloggers!

You can see our entire slogan queue here. If you can't see the list, enable JavaScript.