It just so happened that while I was battling with the furies, their eyes streaming bloody tears, I accidentally activated the ancient amulet given to me by my great uncle Jeff. In a surge of high-resolution partical motion based energy, I gained the ability to summon needles made of pure energy from my palms! With these "power spikes," in tandem with my modest-but-adept prowess in martial arts, I managed to lay the freaking smackdown on those winged, shadowy avengers. In response, they fled, summoning a massive serpent whose bite held a poison which slowly turned human flesh into cold, lifeless rock.
Wait, I should back up. I never explained why I was fighting the furies to begin with. I suppose it all started when I discovered I was descended from royalty...
My great uncle Jefferee was the last King of the Tramps. That's right. He lived in junkyards and back alleys, rooting through the garbage for treasure and lunch. And he was the King. Every hobo, vagabond and homeless person knew him, and owed him their allegience. Uncle Jeff came to me on my tenth birthday, requesting that I take up the throne...
While I was tempted by the allure of a kingdom encompassing the entire globe and my overwhelming Wanderlust, I declined his offer. After all, Roboshrub Incorporated isn't going to run itself. People need our innovations. The Sentient Sweater, for instance, is a commodity no person, homeless or not, should be forced to live without. To this day, I believe I made the right decision.
Whelp, that pretty much explains everything. Also, I neither extrapolated nor exaggerated anything written here. It's all 100% true.
Back, and more vivacious than ever,