For several thousand years, the middle east has been torn apart by numerous wars. Many people have wondered why, in this day and age, war can still continue. One anonymous C.I.A. operative decided to find out personally. “It just always kind of bugged me, you know, hearing about all the violence on T.V. every day. It was getting old.” was the only justification given for the extensive six year investigation that cost approximately $4.2 billion. The search was far-reaching, analyzing everything from the brand of coffee used by the Saudi royal family, to how many times Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan ate cereal each week. For reasons of national security, we were not told the answer to either.
However, we were given an insight into how the information was gathered. The total number of episodes of “The Simpsons” was multiplied by the sine of a random number between 1 and 53. That number was then converted into binary and divided by the interest rate. The result, according to the government scientists assigned to the project, is statistically how many aliens are on the Earth right now. And the anonymous agent assured us that while we can't stop the aliens right now, we can at least ascertain where they are, by using a special government Ouija Board.
But what are the aliens' motives? What are they really after? The agent was kind enough to reveal the answer. Thousands of years ago, the space aliens' most powerful computer predicted that in several thousand years, they would be destroyed by humanity. To prevent this disaster, the aliens came to Earth and got members of one middle-eastern ethnic group to swipe the shoes of members of another ethnic group. As the violence escalated, the aliens' plan seemed assured. Operating under the assumption that violence increases the progression of human technology, the aliens continued to egg us on for many, many years in the hope that one day we would create advanced time travel technology that the aliens could steal and use to go back to a time in our history when we were primitive enough to be easily defeated.
“Of course there are problems with this theory. That's why it's only a theory! If there were no problems, there'd be no aliens!” said the agent angrily as we asked how the aliens were instigating violence and where the project's funding came from. “Obviously, you missed the point of the whole thing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must return to my other project, which is much more expensive and involves the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.”